me and my mops

2006-04-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

YO YO YO MY NAME IS JOHN STEVENS AND I HAVE TRANSFERRED FROM COUNTRY MUSIC TO RAP YEAH!

I AM ALSO CONSIDERING A CAREER IN CHIENSE MUSIC. I CAN SING STUFF LIKE,

CHIA ERN NI YOU WO DE AI
TEDDY KAN QI LAI XIANG SAI

I AM TYPING BIG BIG CAUSE ACCORDING TO MY PSYCHIATRIST I HAVE INSECURITIES. YOU KNOW CAUSE OF LOSING CE TO WILLIAM HUNG AND JASMINE TRIAS SMACKING ME FOR PRAISING HER EARS AND GETTING DUMPED BY A LIVING MOP AND ALL.

I MEAN ANYONE WOULD FEEL INSECURE IF THEY WEREN'T LOVED BY A PIECE OF ROTTING WOOD WITH GREY HAIR. THE MOP, I MEAN.

AND MY LIFE IS SCREWED, THE PEACE MOPS STILL THINK I AM DERANGED BECAUSE I STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD ON A CHAIR WITH MY TEDDY ON MY HEAD FARTING. AND I USED THE CHAIR TO CHASE AFTER TAUFIK & CML.

SO I WILL CHANGE TO CHINESE MUSIC.

WO ZHAN ZAI ROAD LI
YOU HEN DUO CHE
CHE NEARLY BANG WO
WO ALMOST CRY NEH

I HAVE TO GO NOW. I AM MEETING A SKUNK FOR A BLIND DATE. SKUNKS ARE SO SEXY. BUT NOT AS SEXY AS MY CE. OH WHY OH WHY CE! WILLIAM HUNG WEARS TOGAS! I WEAR MINISKIRTS! HIS FASHION SENSE SUCKS!

OFF NOW TO FULFILL MY LIFELONG DREAM OF BEING A CHICKEN (AND TO MEET A SKUNK),
JOHN PEEVENS
THE COOLIO CHINESE MUSIC STAR
WO DE TIAN KONG XING XING DOU LIANG LE BA

2005-09-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

HELLO, I SAW THE SUCKERS ADDICTED BLOG. THERE WAS A PICTURE OF ME THERE, AND, AS USUAL, I LOOKED REALLY STUPID.

I AM NOT PHOTOGENIC AT ALL.

THERE WAS ALSO A PHOTO OF ME AS A GANSTER. I WONDER HOW THEY GOT HOLD OF THAT PHOTO. I NORMALLY KEEP IT IN MY MOUTH. I CHEW ON IT ALL DAY LONG.

BUT THEN MY MOM SAID MY MOUTH HAS A HOLE BECAUSE WHENEVER I EAT FOOD, FOOD DROPS OUT. MAYBE THE PICTURE DROPPED OUT TOO :
THAT IS RATHER SAD.

TOP TEN QUESTINONS OF TODAY

ARE CHIA ERN AND I ARE DIVORCED ?

WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER?

WHY IS MY HAIR RED?

DO PEOPLE WITH RED HAIR HAVE A TENDENCY OF SUCKING THEIR THUMBS? (I DO)

AM I INFERIOR TO EVERYONE? (YES)

WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL HAPPY, LIKE A FREAK? (NOT MY FAULT)

WHY CAN'T I EVER LOOK NICE IN PHOTOS?

WHY DOES THE GLASS BREAK WHENEVER I SING? (MYSTERY OF LIFE)

DOES MOPUMAN LIKE ME? (NO)

WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPITALS? (I'M A DUMBASS, THAT'S WHY)

HEY !

2005-07-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

HEY EVERYONE! JOHN STEVIES (THAT'S ME!) AND MY UNDERWEAR (THAT'S ME TOO!) AND MY THONGS (THT ME THREE!) AND MY MOPS (OHH! MY MOPS!) ARE BACK IN ACTION..!!!MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - POSSIBLE! Im soo happy!

Until for now, that is... ... ...Last midnight... I was walkin along timbuctoo when suddenly... ... there were this magical and mysetrious... flash light flickering... ... ..and BOOM!.. BLACK OUT!!... ...Just then.. these mops came singing and dancing right in front of me. they were singing my all-time favourite song!! *SQUEALS* u know what song that is?! It was... .. ... *about to go breathless* "A-B-C-D.... "!!After all that episode of joy... .. i soon found out that... ... i was.......................................... was............................... was................................. was.........................................

-to be continued-

2005-05-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

MY BLOG IS DEAD. WHY, OH WHY?

Please blog, don't be dead
I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said
I know I was wrong
I got a little stupid after whacking my head on a gong

Yesterday, I travelled to your grave
I lifted a hand and tried to wave
I felt so stupid, waving to nobody
Then I saw a chicken and got flirty

(ME: Hey, HEN...
HEN: SQUAWK! SQUAWK!
ME: AHHH, BESSY! What a nice name! *bats eyelashes*
BESSY: SQUAWK!
ME: Oh, Bessy, you flatter me...
BESSY: SQUAWK!
ME: Bes-sy, ai-ee...
BESSY: SQUAWK! SOD OFF YOU OLD CREEP!
ME: Thank you! Le's get together!
BESSY: Okay!)

Now I'm married to Betsy the Hen
Even though I promised to marry you then
I know Ive been a lousy friend
But I really don't want this relationship to end

Anyhow, blog, I'll miss you
You and all the things we used to do
I regret not being there for you

As I'm sitting here, a tear is rolling down my cheek
I hate myself for being so weak
Blog, guess I'm not man enough
To handle serious relationships or be tough

The flowers you gave me, the poems you wrote
The things you understood, when I never even spoke
I miss you so much, it's hard to get through this grief
It's like how Britney misses lipstick or McDonald's misses beef

BLOG OH BLOG!!! WHY??? *bursts into tears and gets down on knees* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I CRYING OVER AN INTERNET WEBSITE? I DON'T KNOW! I'M ABNORMAL AND WEIRD, OKAY???

Love,
Johnny!

DEAD

2005-05-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

Pee Wee

2005-02-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

Lookie..
I got this bookie,
From chimpy's drawy,
Which contains lots of jokies,
On my moppies,
With my teddies,
And PINK undies,
So I opened its PINK pagies,
And I read the jokies,
And felt so so happies,
'Cos this joke was so funny...

So, the joke goes like this:

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome young man called JOHN STEVENS.He lived in his pink cottage with his wife chimpy,who was mopping the floor which was pink,while he painted his nails bright pink, dyed his hair pink, and sewed HELLO KITTY pics on his undies...

PEACE CORPS PERSON: I AM SO SORRY. THAT WAS JOHN STEVENS TYPING OUT HIS STUPID ENTRY ON HIS STUPID UNDERWEAR WITH HELLO KITTY PICS... ERM, NEVER MIND.

*clears throat*

Back again..

Long ago,there were three men.
First man: GEORGE BUSH
Second man: MOPUMAN (well, er... not exactly a man)
Third man: JOHN STEVENS

They were marooned on an island with a crazy genie called Genin. Genin was all GREEN. He looked rather like the Aladdin Genie. And of course, seeing this, the moronic John Stevens shouted,' LOOK! THERE'S THE ALADDIN GENIE!' Genin glared. If there was onme thing she hated, it was being called Aladdin's sidekick. And of course... John STevens shouted,' AREN'T YOU ALADDIN'S SIDEKICK?' Genin got even angrier. If there was anything she hated, it was being called a Giant cluod of air. And of course... John Stevens shouted,' YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOUD OF AIR!' AND A GIANT ONE TOO!' Genin glared even more. Her eyes were so narrowed, she looked normal, because she had no eyes in real life. (HAHAHA!) She screamed, and, with a wave of her wand, she shouted... 'ABRACADABRADA!' And... NOTHIGN HAPPENED. Genin looked embarrassed. 'Sorry,' she muttered. 'Extra two letters at the end. Sorry. Sorry.' She shouted again,' ABRACADABRA! Hahah! I shall turned you into a pig!' And hey, presto, John Stevens...

LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME!!!

Hi Diary,

I don't really know what that joke means, so blah. But it has my name! I found it on the internet. I think it was at http://www.piglookalikes.com. YEAH! I AM FAMOUS!

Oh, and MOPAWAY topped the charts again! YEAH! Please go to my album blog to read the happenings on my album!
Love,

John-Jhang.

CHART TOPPERS!

2005-02-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

I HAVE A CHART TOPPER! MY FIRST SINGLE 'PEE' TOPPED THE CHARTS LIKE CRAZY! IT WAS ALL OVER THE WORLD HOW GREAT I AM!!!

PEE (remake of hilary duff's FLY.)
Chorus Lyric Sample: PEE! OPEN UP THE PART OF YOU THAT WANTS TO FLUSH AWAY! YOU CAN! PEE! FORGET ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED PARTS IN LIFE! AND START TO PEE! COS IT'S YOUR TIME! TIME TO PEE!

YEAH! I AM PEE MAN! Er, I mean Mopman.

My music video was about me standing on a chair shouting 'IS THERE A TOILET NEARBY!?!?!?' and passerbys were looking at me like I was crazy, then I shouted,' HAHA! JUST KIDDING!' and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laugh and-

*manager cuts in* MANAGER: I think you get his point.

*john shoves manager out of the window* Anyway, my next single shall be 'MOPAWAY', by kelly clarson. It's a remake of her BREAKAWAY. Personally, I think MOPAWAY is more soulful. More detailed. (SCROLL FOR FULL ALBUM DETAILS AND SONGS) More... SOUL-BOO-BOO!

Oh, and could TAUFIK AND CML STOP HACKING INTO MY ACC. THROUGH THE PEACE CORPS MAIN COMPUTER, PLEASE? It is very disturbing. DISTURBING!!! And this weird girl called Claire keeps on storming up to me on the streets, demanding I owe her CML's love. I think she is weird. Because CML has no love. But then why would she love him?!?

*turns to wise old random person* HOW COULD SHE LOVE CML IF HE HAS NO LOVE?

WORP: Ah, young man, one does not question affairs of the heart.

Just like my letter to CE, and her response! Look:

DEAR STUPID JOHN STEVENS,
Please leave me in peace. I merely wish to spend my old age in quiet comfort. I do not think I am being unreasonable.

COME TO YOUR DOOR WITH AN AXE, FOR GOD'S SAKE! JUST SHUT UP! STOP PESTERING ME WITH ALL THESE STUPID LETTERS AND STINKY FLOWERS THAT SPRAY WATER! AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! FLOWERS THAT DON'T SPRAY WATER WON'T DO EITHER!

HATING YOU AS ALWAYS,
CE.

I cried after reading that. I played Grumpy in SNOW WHITE! What more does a girl want out of a guy than to see him in a movie with lots of wrinkles at the age of 72? WHAT IS SO SAD ABOUT THAT?

Nevermind. I am off to pee now. Please visit and link:
, who is natalie the queen's chinese teacher. The hated one. Goodbye.

John Peevens

2005-01-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

Look, this is roughtly what my album looks like:

JOHN PEEVENS

MY PINK THONGS (WARNING: BAD, BAD, BAD COVER TITLE! PARENTAL ADVICE!)

PICTURE OF ME STANDING ON A CHAIR IN A PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO LOOK TALLER WITH MY TEDDY ON MY HEAD. TEDDY IS FARTING.

AMERICAN IDOL 6TH RUNNER UP'S ALBUM!

And that is what it looks like. I must admit I'm rather happy with it! I LOVE MY ALBUM! And these are the songs:

1. TEDDY AND ME (remake of hanson's PENNY AND ME )
Chorus Lyric Sample: TEDDY AND ME LIKE TO ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN! TEDDY AND ME LIKE TO GO DOWN TO THE GROUND! TEDDY AND ME LIKE TO CHOMP THE SMELLY GRASS! TEDDY AND ME LIKE TO BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH-RASS!)

2. PEE (remake of hilary duff's FLY.
Chorus Lyric Sample: PEE! OPEN UP THE PART OF YOU THAT WANTS TO FLUSH AWAY! YOU CAN! PEE! FORGET ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED PARTS IN LIFE! AND START TO PEE! COS IT'S YOUR TIME! TIME TO PEE!

3. MOPAWAY (remake of kelly clarkson's BREAKAWAY)
Chorus Lyric Sample: I'LL MOP AND MOP TILL I GET THE FLOOR CLEAN! I'LL DO WHAT IT TAKES TILL IT SHINES AND GLEAMS! I'LL! SCRUB AND SCRUB! WIPE AND WIPE! DRY AND DRY! AND MOPAWAY!

4. LIARS (remake of lindsay lohan's RUMORS)
Chorus Lyric Sample: PEOPLE LIE AND LIE SO MUCH! THEY ALL HAVE SUCH GREAT BIG FARTS! THEY SAY I HATE TO PEE AND HATE TO MOP AND GO AND SHE SHE! WHY CAN'T THEY SHUT UP BLAH BLAH? I HATE THEIR STINKY BUTTS! THEIR EARLOBES SUCK SO MUCH TOO THEY ARE BIG FAT LOSERFIED PUGS!

5. LALALEE (remake of maroon 5's THIS LOVE)
Chorus Lyric Sample: LA! LA! LEE! I LOVE! TO PEE! AND WEE! TEDDEE! AND MEE! TOGETHER WITH A BEE! WE ARE THE PEE PEE MORONS! IN TOWN! AND I SHALL! NOT REST! TILL I GET MY PEE DOWN!

6. LIVING MOPS (remake of westlife's UPTOWN GIRL)
Verse Lyric Sample (no Chorus!) LIVING MOPS! THEY ARE SO FUNNY WITH BIG BUTTOCKS! I'D LIKE TO WHACK THEM TILL THEY FART AND FART! FARTING LOUDLY IS GREAT FORM OF ART! LIKE THROWING DARTS!

7. MOPUMAN IS SHIT (remake of simple plan's WELCOME TO MY LIFE)
Chorus Lyric Sample: MOPUMAN! IS SO FAT! LIKE HER STUPID GINGER CAT! SHE IS POO! I SHOULD SHOO! HER AWAY FROM THE BIG ZOO! SHE'S A FATTY BOM-BOM DUMB FATHEAD! AND PEOPLE ALL DON'T LIKE HER! SHE IS DUMB AND HAS NO WIT... MOPUMAN IS SHIT!

8. POO (remake of mcfly's OBVIOUSLY)
Chorus Lyric Sample: TEDDEE AND ME! WE BOTH LOVE TO POO! WE BOTH LIKE TO WEE! AND ASK OURSELVES 'WHO!?'! AND POO IS SMELLY WELLY BELLY BLAH BLAH BLAH!

9. CE (remake of barry manilow's MANDY)
Chorus Lyric Sample: OH CE! WHEN YOU KISSED ME I SWEATED AND PEE-PEED! AND I REALLY WANNA SAY I LOVE YOU! BOOHOOHOO! OH IT'S TRUE! LALALEELEE! OH CE! CE! CE! I LOVE THEE!

THE END!

Yeah! I adore my album! Well, out to see how my record sales are then, bye!

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- POSSIBLE! YES, ME AGAIN!

2005-01-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

Blah. Hi, I am Taufik! I have just rescued JS from his Japanese cell. He was so happy, he let me blog. He had been trapped for only five minutes! Sheesh. Haha. I am so happy! I am a hero! *Beams as reporters surround him... and stampede right past him*

REPORTERS: LOOK! IT'S JOHN!
REPORTERS AGAIN: YEAH, THE ME AND MY MOPS STAR!
REPORTERS AGAIN AGAIN: THE ONE WHOM THE SILVER BALL FELL ON!

ME: NO WONDER HE"S LIKE THAT! HAHA! *Beams again as reporters swarm around me...*

REPORTERS: Who is this guy?
REPORTERS AGAIN: Peace Corps! Take him away!

ME: WHAT?

*PEACE CORPS DRAG ME AWAY*

Hello, everybody. Ths is a plea. I am being held prisoner in the peace corps! HELP ME!!! Oh, look! It's...

Narrator: VIOLENCE JUNKIE MAN! AND HIS BABOON SIDEKICK!

*CML glares*

Narrator: Er, I mean CML! And his baboon sidekick!

*Baboon glares*

Narrator: Oh, who cares?

Baboon: I AM ONLY NOT SNATCHING YOU BALD BECAUSE I LOVE YOUR POETRY.

Narrator: *Clears throat* Er, right. Anyway... go CML and Ba- er, intelligent monkey!

*CML GLARE'S AT THE BARS OF TAUFIK'S CELL AND WITH HIS RED LASER EYED BEAMS -*CML butts in* yeah, like superman!'- AND FREES TAUFIK. INTELLIGENT BABOON. DIES ON THE SPOT THEN GETS UP AGAIN*

Intelligent baboon: Haha! Tricked you!

ME, TAUFIK: And they all lived happily ever after. Yay!

Stevie-poo

2005-01-12T02:33:00.000-08:00

Hel-LO, everyone. This is a plea. I am trapped. Trapped in my own home! Oh, for I am forsaken, left to the unknown! For I am trapped in my own home!

Hey, that rhymes.

You see, several bad Japanese guys like in the movie kidnapped me. They have blond hair and blue eyes. I think they're Japanese. I dunno. (REAL PERSON: HEY, JAPANESE, DON'T BE OFFENDED)

PLEASE, SOMEONE, RESCUE ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF THIS LONELY CELL!

PLEASE, SOMEONE, RESCUE ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF THIS LONELY WELL!

PLEASE, SOMEONE, TELL ME IF IT IS A WELL OR A CELL!

Oh well. Oh cell. I shall be waiting!

CIAO!

Mission Impossible- Possible! So Why is it called Mission Impossible if it is actually Possible?

2005-01-04T05:05:00.000-08:00

Hi, I am Taufik.

Hi, I am CML.

I said 'hi' first!

Well, I said it second! *Glares at Taufik, who remembers that his pal is actually a violence junkie. Er, right.*

Yes, yes. Anyway. We did the impossible!

That we did, yes.

We climbed a mountain with Kingkong!

Yeah!

We played with baboons!

Yeah!

We forced CML to stop saying 'yeah'!

Yeah!

No, actually, that we haven't.

Yeah!

ANYWAY. We also... *sighs dully* infiltrated the Peace Corps, took out their evil internets, hacked ionto the main system, searched every zonal and global network, and finally found the password to this account. *shakes head*

Yeah, playing with the baboons was SO much harder.

Yeah! You had to anticipate- were they going to say 'mama'? *head jumps left* Or 'moomoo'? *head jumps right*

Or will they play with the pacifier? *head jumps front and snaps out* Ow! Or will they prefer the teddy bear? *head jumps back, then realizes he has no more head. replaces head with a ransom head lying on the ground. it's... VIOLENCE JUNKIE MAN!*

It's VIOLENCE JUNKIE MAN! *VIOLENCE JUNKIE MAN GLARES* Er, I mean, SUPERMAN!!!

SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN, FIGHTING ALL THE WAY! OH WHAT FUN, IT IS TO WEAR, YOUR UNDERWEAR ALL DAY, HEY! SUPER MAN, SUPERMAN, FIGHTING ALL THE WAY. I'M SUPER, I'M SUPERMAN, AND I LIKE TO DRINK MY SOUP!

It's S-U-PERMAN. Not S-O-U-PERMAN.

I like chicken soup!

And I like TAUHU SOUP!

ANYWAY, JOHN STEVENS SAID I WAS A VIOLENCE JUNKIE WHEN I AM NOT!

And he didn't agree to call me Tauhu for weeks! He wantewd to call me 'Taohu', without the personalized 'Tau'!

So WE HAVE COME FOR REVENGE! I AM NOT A VIOLENCE JUNKIE! I WILL CRUSH HIM!

And his stupid Mopuman wants to marry me, you don't know how awful that is...

Ugh! I WILL SMASH HIM INTO POWDER...

EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU TWO ARE DISTURBING THE REST OF OUR STAFF SERIOUSLY. YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE.

Uh oh.

CHICKEN DANCE!

I AM THE PEACE CORP PERSON. I AM TAKING THEM AWAY. I SPEAK IN SHORT SENTENCES. OH WELL! *Men come up and drag the deranged two away*

Goodbye, world! Farewell, beloved mother... just kidding!

I WILL SQUASH YOU, JOHN STEVENS! NOT KIDDING!

Fin.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I DON'T MEAN THAT, OF COURSE!

2005-01-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I DON'T MEAN THAT, OF COURSE!

I just wrote a new song for CE. I composed it. Please scroll down to read it! I think it is a symbolisation of modern songery. Thank you, everyone.

I just think it's so great. *Stares up into the nightsky with poetic expression on face* I think it's so great. I just think... *sighs*

RANDOM PASSER-BY: What's so great?
JOHN-POO: I have no idea, actually.

Oh well. Since I had a Christmas Post, I thought I should come up with a New Year's Post. Did you watch the Timbuctoonian countdown? I was standing there, in my underwear, searching for bears, here, there, everywhere, when a big American glass ball they use for counting down dropped on my head. I fainted!

It was aired all over the world, and everyone loves it. I'm the new star!

I've just published my serious autobiography, Me and My Mops. (REAL PERSON BEHIND JOHN STEVENS: Yeah, he did, no kidding. It's written out, on paper. US$100000000 each! Except it's not serious.)

Okay, this post isn't at all New Years-sy. New Year's Posts = New Year's-sy. Just like:

CHRISTMAS POSTS = CHRISTMASSY
TAUFIK = TAUHU (there, happy now? who are you?)
TAUFIK'S RAT'S WIFE'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S BROTHER'S MOTHER'S SISTER'S SECOND COUSIN'S OWNER'S FATHER = TAUFIK'S RAT'S WIFE'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S BROTHER'S MOTHER'S SISTER'S SECOND COUSIN'S OWNER'S FATHER
ME AND MY MOPS = LIVING MOP'S FARTS
JPL = FARTS, PERIOD
MOPUMAN = MORONIC BABOON WHO WANTS TO MARRY TAUFIK. EVIL!
TIMBUCTOO IDOL = JOHN STEVENS (hey! that's me!)
PEACE CORPS = WHALE BLUBBER
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM = JOHN STEVENS DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM
THE START = THE END = THIS POST

Goodbye! Do scroll down and read my song!

A Teeny Song for a Teeny Thing Written by a Teeny Person

2005-01-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

VERSE
I can feel her heartbeat from a thousand miles
I just stop mopping
Eveytime she smiles
I mop, mop ,mop the whole night long
Cos she leads me to her
Like a riversong

BRIDGE
Why, oh why, O CE
Won't you accept me
The sh*ttiest pee dudee
Of you dreams... *HIGH NOTE! THE WALLS CRACK!*

CHORUS
We could mop the whole night long
We could sing Barney's love song
We could play the chinese gong
If I had one!!!
Wes could see the fireworks
We could churn out farts and burps
We could compose a dumb song like this one-urp
I have a big bum!!!

VERSE
I can feel her feet from a thousand feet (so funny, haha!)
I just start peeing
Everytime she eats beet(roots)
I pee, pee, pee the whole day long
Cos she's so smelly
Like a dung beetle's dung (so funny, haha!)

BRIDGE
Why, oh why, O CE
Won't you accept me
The sh*ttiest pee dudee
Of you dreams... *HIGH NOTE! THE WALLS CRACK!*

CHORUS
We could mop the whole night long
We could sing Barney's love song
We could play the chinese gong
If I had one!!!
Wes could see the fireworks
We could churn out farts and burps
We could compose a dumb song like this one-urp
I have a big bum!!!

FUNNY PART WHICH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL (SO FUNNY, HAHA!)
CE, O CE,
Please come back to me!
The Maggie Mee's not the same
Without you, my fair dame
Mopuman's gone now
Just another chapter in my life
No she ain't my wife
No more (hey, I sound like a cowboy, cool!)

CHORUS X 1000000000 (so funny, haha!)
NAH, JUST TWICE WILL DO

THE END

Happy Days Are Here

2004-12-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

10 Things I Should Do To Live My Life As A More Refined 21st Century Woman

10. Get out of jail.
9. Get Mopuman to like me again. (She's got a new nick! Mamamopuman!)
8. Or maybe get the Chimp to like me again! Yeah!
7. Ouch! Ooh, that was Mopuman pulling my hair as she read that...
6. Make CML not so violent to increase my chances of getting Chimp Ern back.
5. Tag rubbish on people's tagboards to rule them!
4. Paint my toenails a particular shade of hot pink.
3. Try to learn how to count past one.
2. Fall out of love with that cartoon character Bugs Bunny.
1. Stop making dumb lists like '10 Things I Should Do To Live My Life As A More Refined 21st Century Woman'.

Me and My Mucus

2004-12-27T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well, the scented nose-shit melted and became scented mucus, okay? I'm dripping in it! Please don't laugh. *Pees as everyone starts laughing* I'm sorry, but being covered in mucus isn't very nice. I know everyone has been covered in mucus sometime or the other, but really, no need to take it out on me! Well, I've got a new mission. If Mopuman wants to divorce me, then I need to woo CE back! Well, CE, take a look at this:

*Year 3000 by Busted converted into Crazy Mop Song by John Stevens*

VERSE
One day, when I came home,
As Mop-man, with my bright pink underwear.
Found out, that Chia Ern and Mopuman,
Were mopping my underwear...
I love to peepee, and weewee, lalalalalee...

BRIDGE
They told me they'd built a mopmachine
Like one in a room I'd seen...
Yeah, yeah...

CHORUS
They said they'd been to the year mopthousand...
Not much has changed, but the mops are in stores...
And your great, great great mopmanner...
Is mopping fine, is mopping fine...

VERSE
CE was jealous, she told me,"Why can't you love me more?"
I said," I love thee, and I too,
Love to peepee..."
She said," Okie."
And I said,"You and me forevee..."

BRIDGE

CHORUS

I took a trip to the year mopthousand...
Mops had all gone multi-platinum...
Everybody mopping my big bottom...
They had outmopped Michael Jackson...
I took a trip to the year mopthousand...
Mops had all gone multi-platinum...
Everybody mopping my big bottom...
My big bottom, my big bottom...

BRIDGE

CHORUS (x 4)

THE END.

See, CE, my love for thee will never fade-ee. Please! Come to me-ee!

Johnny Christmas... and a Johnny New Year!

2004-12-21T23:58:00.000-08:00

Johnny Christmas... and a Johnny New Year!

Christmas is coming! So I decided I should have a Christmas post. Okay. I now have 10000001 bottles of nose shit. I wouldn't know. That's what Mopuman says. See, I can't count past 1.

Anyway, I'm so honoured that Taufik and CML visited my blog! Wow! They actually know me!

... Who are they?

Oh, I just called the Peace Corps. They said that Taufik is Singapore's very first Idol, and CML got into the Top 6 before he was knocked out. Oh, just like me. Singapore. Right. Those of you who don't know it are so stupid! It's that little island off Timbuctoo!

Peace Corps should know this kind of thing. Trust me. They're your personal little internet thingy-o. Of course, they have personal little internets to help them! Their computers! Mwahahhahahahahha!

Oh, I just found the PERFECT song to help me in my soul-boo-boo campaign. It's...

SEXY (S)NOTTY BITTY! (ME)

YEAH! I recently got offered to play the role of Jessie's younger brother's snot in the short 5 minute show 'Jessie's Cyber Diary'. Haha! I am an actor! I'm also going to act in Harry Potter 4 as LORD VOLDEMORT- THE PINK DUDE. YAY!!!

Okay, this doesn't sound Christmassy. Christmas Posts = Christmassy. Just like:

BARNEY = BARMEY
SCIENCEMAN = SNOTBOI (me!)
JPL = FARTS
MOPUMAN= MORON
CE = CHIMPANZEE AH MENG
CML = VIOLENT JUNKIE
TAUFIK = TOUFU
TAUFIK'S CAT = TAOGEI
TAUFIK'S DOG = TAOKUA
TAUFIK'S RAT = TAOPORK
TAUFIK'S ZOO = THE MISS MUFFET HOUSE

ANYWAY, JOHNNY CHRISTMAS AND A JOHNY NEW YEAR!

Love, The Christmas Dude.

P.S.: I'm Santa. Do you believe me? Do you care? No? Oh well!

The Walls Are Closing In, Pressing My Soul, Crushing My Very Heart, Uninspiring My Inspired Life...

2004-12-19T19:58:00.000-08:00

Hahaha. Hehehe. Hohoho. Merry Christmas! It seems a policeman read my blog and decided to take action. He arrested me. Now I'm in the Official Timbuctoonian Jail. They built it just for me. And now...

The Walls Are Closing In, Pressing My Soul, Crushing My Very Heart, Uninspiring My Inspired Life...

I sigh. I cry. I die? No. I don't. Haha. So funny! Tricked you, didn't I?

Anyway, I- ARGH! Another monkey just pooed on the computer screen! UGH! Persisting ends right here!

HEY YOU MONKEYS! STOP POOING ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN! IF YOU MUST DO YOUR BUSINESS HERE, PEE! DON'T POO! PEEING ISN'T AS DISTURBING! I- ARGH! ANOTHERR ONE JUST POOED ON THE SCREEN!

Hello. I'm Mopuman. While John is running aroud the prison with a mop, mopping the monkey's butts, I am, in fact, typing! I just got this great disc. It's a Timon and Pumbaa Typing School Disc! I'm learning how to touch type. This is my schedule:

1 a.m.: Sleep!
2 a.m.: Sleep!
3 a.m.: Sleep!
4 a.m.: Sleep!
5 a.m.: Sleep!
6 a.m.: Sleep!
7 a.m.: Sleep!
8 a.m.: Sleep!
9 a.m.: Sleep!
SLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPALLTHEWAY!

YAY!

And please excuse my husband. I know you may think he is very mentally unstable, but do forgive him. He has a kind heart. But now the walls are crushing it ansd he is dying. So please, donate some money. Have a heart.

My husband means well. It's just that he gets -ahem- carried away sometimes. Pity us! Donate $10000 and you can win a bottle of Jasmine Trias' scented nose shit!

Okay. That's it. I think I will pass the keyboard back to him.

GihsuifhiohMONKEYSusdbfgugaAREighighiahiSQUASHINGsighiMEsdfsufuHELP!gbargruggME!fighgihggDON'T!kfnsgbaiLET!dsgbsauluawrME!uesgfbuwagawuDIE!djgbasugbwuSO!higdiYOUNG!gidrngbgug.

Fin.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

A Short Play

2004-12-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

JOHN STEVENS: I'm now the new poster boy for Timbuctoo Idol. The Chief Chimpanzee chose me. No other chioce, really. I'm just so handsome.

*Chief Chimpanzee knocks JS out with a mop and types*

CHIEF CHIMPANZEE: NO, I CHOSE HIM SIMPLY BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER CHIMPANZEES HAD CHIMPANZEE COLDS AND COULDN'T SHOOT ANY PHOTOS. THEIR BUTTS WERE SWOLLEN. ANYWAY, I CANCELLED THE PHOTOSHOOT. EVERYTIME JS LOOKED INTO THE CAMERA LENS, IT BROKE. SO TOO BAD. I MUST STOP TYPING NOW. MY FINGERS ARE MEANT FOR GRIPPING AND CLIMBING. NOT FOR PAINTING NAILS AND TYPING RUBBISH LIKE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH, WHERE JS SAID I CHOSE HIM CAUSE HE WAS HANDSOME. OOPS. MUST GO. I THINK I CAUGHT THE CHIMP COLD. MY BUTT'S STARTING TO SWELL.

*JS uses his moronic power and brings the mops to life and whacks the Chief Chimp on this already-swollen butt and makes it swell even more*

JOHN STEVENS: That's rubbish! I got voted in by the chimps!

*Barney suddenly comes in*

BARNEY WHO IS REALLY QUITE BARMEY: JOHN! WHAT DID YOU PROMISE ME?

*JS nods meekly*

JOHN STEVENS: That I would tell the truth every time or I'd look like Pinocchio. *Feels ears and nose* But I don't! I still have my ears!

*Barney, being barmey, sighs*

BARMEY- ER, WE MEAN BARNEY: Silly John! Pinocchio doesn't have ugly ears an ugly nose! He has an ugly eyelash! See that tiny strand there?

*JOHN STEVENS LOOKS*

*JOHN STEVENS SCREAMS*

*'JOHN STEVENS HAS A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE EYELASH!' BARMEY- ER, BARNEY SHRIEKS*

*AN AMBULANCE COMES*

*BARMEY- ER, I MEAN BARNEY SCREAMS AND WAILS ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF HIS BEST CUSTOMER AND CRIES*

*CHIEF CHIMP SHRIEKS AND WAILS ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE MIRACULOUS BOY WHO COULD BRING A THUNDERSTORM EVERYTIME HE SANG AND CRIES*

*JOHN'S DIARY SUDDENLY ENTERS RANDOMLY AND OPENS MOUTH RANDOMLY AND SAYS RANDOMLY THAT JOHN WAS A GOOD PERSON IN A VERY RANDOM WAY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT- THEN HE STARTS TO CRY RANDOMLY

*EVERYONE WONDERS WHY THE ACTIONS ARE ALL IN CAPS*

*SOME WEIRD GUY WHO ACTED IN THE SOUND OF MUSIC SUDDENLY POPS IN AND SAYS THAT THEY HAVE TO BE DIFFERENTIATED FROM THE REST OF THE PLAY, JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS*

THE END

MMM

2004-12-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

I've decided that MMM shall be my new mop motto! It could stand for:

a) Mop Man's Mission

b) My Mopping Motto

c) My Monkey Mummy!

d) M N Ms!

Even though the middle letter is an N, it doesn't matter, because the letter N rules!

Guess what my favourite flavour of M N Ms is.

You got it right.

MOPS! Yay!

A Poem

2004-12-11T06:31:00.000-08:00

Oh why, why?
When i look up into the big blue sky,
I see my red hot hair...
OH NO! It's my pink underwear!

Mopuman

2004-12-09T22:07:00.002-08:00

She's such a beauty! She's wonderful. She makes my heart melt just like ice-cream (strawberry, no less!) and she's none other than my sweetheart, Mopuman! I love everything about her- her thick snow-white hair, her stick-thin body (she's trying to achive the 'mop' look listed in the 'Mopsiepoo' magazine, so of course she's skinny!), but WOW! Her mopmanner is real fine! You should let her mop your floor someday. She'll clean it with the help of her little woodland friends! Just like Snow White. I like to think that Mopuman looks just like Snow White. I'm her Prince Charming, what's his name- ah, GRUMPY. The seventh dwarf. That's me. I starred in the movis Snow White and played Grumpy without being drawn! Or putting on a costume. They just added lines lon my face to make me look older (at that time, I was only 72, so young, sheesh) and pushed me on the set! You can watch me. I- ARGH! Another monkey just pooed on my screen! I will persist, and it will see... I am a shitty pee dudee!

Me, the Pretty Pink Princess

2004-12-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

You know the pretty pink princess I was talking about then? in the thing on the left? <---- Yeah. Guess what? That's me! I recently was anointed the Princess of Timbuctoo, even though I'm a guy.... you see, im special! im a special guy who loves to weewee! Ah well. Mopuman was anointed the Queen of Timbuctoo. Jasmine Trias came over the other day and brought me her scented nose shit. Haha! I have it in a bottle here right now! Whoever wants some can have it. Heehee. Haha. Hoho. Hohoho! Hohohohoho! I'm SANTA CLAUS! Arh, whatever. Merry Christmas, even though here in Timbuctoo we get scented monkey dung for presents. The monkeys think it's very polite. Chia Ern, do visit one day. You'll play with the monkeys all day long!!! Oh no! One monkey just pooed on my screen! But I will persist, and the monkey will see... John Stevens loves to weewee! Oh well.

XXX!

THE END. No, just kidding. Haha. So funny, right?

Mopuman+John Stevie=

John Junior------------Someone (no one, haha! So funny!)=

No one! Haha! So funny!

Bye! CE, do visit! Bring your darling husband, CML along, even though he may give me his scented shit. Argh.

My Pink Thongs

2004-12-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with my pink thongs, but oh well. I think I make an amazing husband. And guess what? I knocked my producer out with a mop! Don't tell anyone, okay, computer? Because even though I know I'm on the Internet and anyone can come and see this, I will BLOW YOU UP WITH MY FARTS before you can succeed, so there. LIVING MOPS! Mopuman is packing our things now, don't tell anyone, computer- but we're going to Timbuctoo. After all, I am the Timbuctoo Idol. I'm a SUPERSTAR there! All the chimps and monkeys adore me!

Ooh, wait- must apply lipstick on properly.

Muacks!

Oh, and remember: I'm gay.

Bye!

xXx

Meet Me and My Mops

2004-12-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hello! I am John Stevens! I am gay! Yay! Ah Pek! Oh say! Ah-day? Ay!